Modesty seems to be a hot topic on this site. Go figure. I don’t get the bare-it-all mentality, the skimpy clothing or the fashion industry. What’s wrong with a good pair of jeans and a t-shirt these days? Sheesh. Raising two young and very impressionable daughters, modesty is a daily topic in our house whether it is over two-piece bathing suits or wearing tank tops in below zero weather because it’s “cool”. But modesty goes way beyond what we choose to wear.
As mentioned in my post Encouraging Our Daughters to be Ladylike, I have been reading through the book A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit. Fascinating book and I mean that sincerely. I sat down with my usual stack of 8-10 library books to browse through on a Sunday afternoon and decided to start with Wendy’s book first. A couple hours later I found myself in the midst of chapter seven while the other books sat untouched on the floor. I love to read but I tend to bounce from book to book, so I know I am reading a good book when I can’t put it down after the first chapter or two. ;)
A Return to Modesty covers such topics as sexual harassment, stalking, rape, cutting, marriage, feminism and so much more. Wendy ties it all together beautifully. I wanted to pull an excerpt from the book for each of these individual topics, but my time is limited, so I will leave you with this one:
Female modesty is not some artificial way of “dampening allure,” nor is it, as G.F. Schueler says, a mere distaste for “skimpy swimming suits.” It’s much richer than that. Modesty is a reflex, arising naturally to help a woman protect her hopes and guide their fulfillment – specifically this hope for one man. You don’t have to have studies the Buss and Schmitt sex survey to know that most women would prefer one man who will stick by them, for better or for worse, to a series of men who abandon them. Of course, along with this hope comes a certain vulnerability, because every time a man fails to stick by us, our hopes are, in a sense, dashed. This is where modesty fits in. For modesty armed this special vulnerability – not to oppress women, but with the aim of putting them on equal footing with men. The delay modesty created not only made it more likely that women could select men who would stick by them, but in turning lust into love, it changed men from uncivilized males who ran after as many sexual partners as they can get into men who really wanted to stick by one woman.
Did you catch that? Modesty is not an oppressive tool. It is a weapon given to women for our protection. Not necessarily physical protection, but emotional and mental protection of our hopes and dreams. I can’t cover near as many points as I want to in this post. Please read this book. It’s incredibly eye-opening and provides very sound arguments for bringing back modesty in today’s society.
6 comments
Kel
“…unlike most girls at my school I have experienced “life” way more than they have.”
Well, speaking for myself, I’m college-educated, married, with a couple of kids. Does that qualify for me having experienced “life?” ;)
“When i read the book i was astonished at how it said that if women were more modest they would be treated different and they would be more equal to men.”
I think Wendy’s point was not that women would be more “equal” to men in the modern sense, but that women gave up the “power” that they had when they cheapened themselves and said, “hey, it’s free, just come and get it.”
Women used to have the greatest control in relationships (like courtships), because through their behavior, they influenced men to respond in respectful ways.
On the other side of the coin, when women in a culture try to prove themselves “modern” by becoming promiscuous and by flaunting their “assets”, what message does it send to males? Does it send the message that they should be treated as equal persons worthy of respect, or does it send the message “I’m a sex object put here strictly for your enjoyment?”
I don’t believe she said anything about how rape is a woman’s fault…you are really reading into that. Men are responsible for their own behavior…however, it is unrealistic to assume that the behavior of women in society somehow does NOT affect men in society.
Not all women are trying to be just like men. We aren’t just like men…we’re different in many ways and that is a good thing, not a weakness!
I think we’ve gone about getting respect in some wrong-headed ways. The new-wave feminist movement has lied to us and told us that we must “be like men” in order to garner respect, but that’s not true. We deserve equal pay and we should have equal rights, but does that mean we’re not allowed to be who we are as women? Of course not.
We need to hold men to a higher standard of respect (but to get respect, we must give it as well), and that was Ms. Shalit’s point (whether you think she has life experience or not…do you know her personally?).
Gary
It sounds like you are bitter toward men. Women can be just like men and equal in many ways. I think you misinterpreted the book and its message. I think Wendy does have have an idea. Women can even stalk, harass and rape. Women own companies, corporations,etc. Women fly military jets,etc.
chelsea
Honestly i didnt like the book at all… Im a Senior and we had to read it for our summer project… unlike most girls at my school I have experienced “life” way more than they have. When i read the book i was astonished at how it said that if women were more modest they would be treated different and they would be more equal to men. That is not true. Mens need to rape, stalk, and harrass women is not the womens fault… It has to do with a mans need to feel dominant over women… women will never be equal to men no matter how they dress or asct even if the dress like a man. its even apparent in the armed forces of the u.s.a. i think Wendy Shaliat had no idea what she was writing about because she has never been in those kinds of situations.
gretchen
Gary – thanks for stopping by. Always nice to hear such inspiring comments from the guys. :D
Gary
I couldn’t agree more. I own the book and have read it cover to cover. As an old fashioned kind of guy, I missed Modesty when it went out of style a few years ago. I hate the bare all mentality and the way many girls act as bad as the men when it comes to the slut factor..I was so happy to hear about Wendy’s book, I wrote her a letter. She responded and praised me for my thoughts. So to all of you girls who are not happy following the herd mentality, break away I say! And follow your heart. After all, when you are sitting there by yourself in your room in the dark, who are you? Thanks for your post. I was actually googling Modesty today and found it..
Signed
A good guy looking for a girl with Modesty..
Kel1
Awesome, eye-opening book, absolutely. Many people will roll their eyes at her statements, I’m sure, but speaking as a person who has counseled many young women and studied much (too much, LOL) psychology, I agree with Ms. Shalit wholeheartedly.
Anyone who is a Jane Austen reader (or viewer) can find these themes in her novels, as well, and she was writing in a time when modesty was the order of the day. Jane was right, and she never settled or threw herself away on second best, which I believe is why she is so admired today. She knew what real LOVE was (and also made clear the difference between love and lust), despite the fact that she didn’t find that one man to love her and stick by her (thank goodness we don’t marry strictly for dowry today…).
I loved Wendy Shalit’s book, and I believe that every woman could benefit in some way from reading it. In our feminine search for equal treatment, we instead debased and devalued ourselves and our bodies (and spirits) somewhere along the way.