All Because of a Spider

It all started last week when we had our house sprayed for termites. It’s just a precautionary thing we do because our neighborhood has had termite problems in the past. Afterwards, the pest control guy (does he have a job title?) says we have a lot of spiders in our crawlspace and he saw at least one brown recluse. He said he couldn’t kill it at the time because he was in a tight spot under the house and if he missed it would probably have bitten him which is very bad. Those suckers can kill.

He recommended we have the house fogged at another time. I told him we’d discuss it and call them back. My husband says “yeah, let’s do it” so I called the company and scheduled D-day. That happens to be today. So here’s how it went down.

First, our “appointment” was anywhere from 10am to 12pm. The guy shows up at 11:30am. I knew in advance that we would have to leave the house for a couple hours after he did the deed so I already had a game plan in mind. I paid him up front and while he was spraying the outside, I rounded up the girls and fed our pug, Quest, since he was going to have to go with us. As soon as we got our marching orders, I loaded everyone up in the van. Oops, I forgot to potty Quest. And dogs always have to go #2 after they eat. It’s a fact.  I was already in route to the bank and to mail a father’s day card to my dad, so I told Quest to cross his legs and hang in there. We made it through the bank ok, but when we got to the drive-by mail box, the postal truck was stopped in front of it. I had to wait until he moved the truck so I could pull
forward. Delay #1.

After dropping off the mail (I literally dropped it on the sidewalk and had to open the van door to retrieve it and stick in the box), we went straight to Subway to get lunch. Even though they know me by name at Subway and can recite my “usual” order from memory, I decided not to try to take Quest in with me, even if he is adorable (see his picture on the left). I left the kids in the car with Quest. He whimpered but I figured he could still hold it.

I returned to the car with our lunch and my oldest immediately complained that I got her the wrong kind of chips. “I HATE those kind.” Back in to Subway I went and made the exchange. Good thing those folks at Subway know me. I made it back to the van and we were halfway to the park for our fancy little picnic when my youngest says

“Mom, did you order water?”

“No, we all got Sprite.”

“Well, this tastes like water. And it’s yucky.”

So I tasted it. Yep, carbonated water. Eww! So, I turned around and headed back to Subway. Just as I turned the corner, I saw a train stuck on the tracks ahead of us. Another detour. My oldest started commenting that “This is the worst day ever.” I lectured her about having a positive attitude but I was thinking “Wow, what a perceptive little human I have created.” She can read my thoughts and everything.

I made it back to Subway and exchanged the “Sprite” for Cokes. I figured if we have to spend the afternoon at the park, a little caffeine won’t hurt us. By this time, Quest is getting fidgety. My last words before putting the van in reverse were “Don’t touch anything. We will eat when we get there.”

My kids mind so well that we were only about 2 blocks away when they started screaming. You would have thought the brown recluse had gotten into the van! It turns out that they had each taken their drinks out of the cardboard travel holder and the remaining drink – MY drink – had tipped over and was spilling out all over their coloring books and shoes. So I pulled over onto a side street, grabbed the paper towels from under the seat and tried to dry up as much as I could from my vantage point in the driver’s seat. Meanwhile they got three more lectures called “Why we drink Sprite and not Coke”, “Why they should obey Mom”, and “Why screaming in the van will get them killed.” I left the paper towels out because I figured at this rate Quest would need them soon.

We made it to the park but lo and behold, the nice, shady pavilion is taken by some school group. I had to circle around to find a decent picnic table and finally opted for the first one available before my beloved dog exploded on the passenger seat, which is usually where I sit. We all hopped out and while Quest took care of business, I mopped up the rest of the soda which was now streaming out on the driver’s side. We got to the picnic table, where I tied up Quest and gave him some water in a plastic dish I brought with us. He promptly took two drinks and then tipped the entire bowl over onto my oldest daughter’s shoes.

By this point we were all starving and I realized that I needed to pee, so I decided the best thing we could do was just eat. As I unwrapped the sandwiches, my oldest starts whining about the bugs. “We are outside, Kate, get over it” was my response. Next was the bench. “It’s too hot. I can’t sit on this.” How did I raise such wimpy kids? “You can sit down and eat with the rest of us or stand up. I don’t care.” She opted to squat on the bench. Then my youngest starts in with “I don’t like the bugs. They’re touching me. It hurts.” AAAAGH!

Now the wind has picked up and our napkins and other trash are blowing off the table. I got up, stuffed everything into one sack and held onto it with one hand while holding a bag of chips down with my elbow and holding my sandwich with the other hand. Fun fun. Next, my youngest, who ALWAYS has to get a meatball sub, drops half the sandwich in her lap. As I reach over to clean her up, I see Quest hiking on the overturned water dish. Fortunately, he overshot it.

As soon as we finished eating, I steered everyone back to the van to get wet wipes since we were all sticky from Coke covered sandwich wrappers and meatball subs. Next stop was the trash can which was overflowing from the school group. I tried to put our trash in but it fell out and I had to round it up again and this time try to smash it in so it stayed put. In doing so, I stuck my hand in someone else’s lunch. Nasty.

Next stop – the bathroom. By this time, my eyeballs were starting to turn yellow so I headed around the corner to the bathroom. It’s locked. Who locks the bathroom in a public park in the middle of the day? I checked the other side and found the men’s restroom open – go figure. It smelled and looked so bad that I decided I really could wait the full hour and a half we had left. I did manage to refill Quest’s water dish while I was in there, although I nearly passed out from the smell.

The rest of our time went fairly smoothly. The kids played, Quest laid in the grass and I read a book. They all got whiny (even Quest) with about 30 minutes left on the clock so I decided we could brave it and go home. I drove slowly and we arrived just a few minutes earlier than planned. No one has died yet from the fumigation (except, hopefully, the spiders) so I think it was a safe bet.

I have no idea why I just wrote all of this. Perhaps I thought if I write it down that it will be funnier than it seems right now. All I know is this. The next time someone tells me there’s a brown recluse in my crawlspace, I will put on my Nikeys, grab a flashlight and go squash the little bugger myself!