Artist: Christine Kane
Album: Rain and Mud and Wild and Green
The woman on the TV set
Is clutching both her great big breasts
And she sure looks like she is having fun
In purple plastic panties
She is writhing she is dancing
And it’s plain to see she really turns her on
But this is MTV you know
And that is how the music goes
And all the male guitarists think she’s great
They believe that girls like this
Actually do exist
And secretly we all love to gyrate
Well, pardon me but I have never
Done a thing I can remember
That remotely looks like this at all
Except for once at Girl Scout camp
When several bees got in my pants
And one of them flew in my training bra
CHORUS:
Maybe these are fantasies
Maybe you have a right to these
Baby I’ll just break this gently
There’s no such thing as girls like that
The catalogs of lingerie
Come to our houses everyday
With women who have mostly nothing on
My favorite is the one who sits and
Drinks her coffee in her kitchen
Wearing just a silk robe and a thong
Well, let’s be real here let’s just say
My kitchen any given day
Is not exactly somewhere you seduce
Between the cat hair and the crumbs
Your nakedness might make him numb
And even worse he might begin to puke
And if you’re gonna wear a thong
You might just find the cat hair’s gone
To places you don’t want cat hair to be
And besides you know the facts
A thong just rides right up your ass
And serves no earthly purpose I can see
CHORUS
Lastly I will say to all
The boys who make the Barbie Doll
That I think Barbie’s really cute and fun
But if Barbie were a real live chick
Her waist would be 12 inches thick
Her bra-size would be close to 41
So by the age of 53
Those things would be down to her knees
With osteoporosis on the way
So, after having said all that
I’ll leave you with this simple fact
My favorite girls are women that
Are not afraid to cry and laugh
And eat some food that’s high in fat
Can change your oil, fix your flat
Can say some prayers and blaze a path
And I’ll just say on their behalf
There’s no such thing as girls like that
