How NOT to Pass an American Idol Audition

I am a huge American Idol fan, probably because I am such a music buff. It is a fascinating process to me since I have been on both ends of the spectrum. As a musician, I have been through countless auditions and after graduating with a degree in Music Business, I worked at a radio station where I was constantly exposed to trends in new music. I was also asked to judge talent competitions many times on various local and professional levels. I say all that to add a little credibility to what I am about say about American Idol, but in fact, the following is just plain common sense in my opinion.

Last Tuesday, we had “girls night” at my house so we could all watch the opening night of American Idol together. Leslie and I are die hard fans of the show and everyone else was there for the entertainment. And then there was Kelli, who was an American Idol virgin and wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

One of the first things I said to Kelli when the show started was that “you can tell if the person is a good singer before they ever open their mouth.” She totally did not believe me, but then she began to watch the show and saw contestant after contestant do the unthinkable. I believe American Idol needs to lay some ground rules for the audition, so I decided to write a letter for them that should be sent to all contestants prior to their audition.

Dear American Idol Wanna-Be Contestants,

Here are some simple guidelines to help you make it through your audition and get safely back home where you will end up if you engage in any of the following:

Wear A Costume

This seems like a no-brainer, but some of you folks still come to your audition dressed like Mickey Mouse or Captain America. I realize you are trying to be memorable, but all the judges will remember is that you looked ridiculous. It also sends a signal to them that you haven’t got what it takes to wow them with your singing talent, so you are using the costume as a substitute. Don’t. If you walk in wearing a costume, you might as well be packed and ready to go back home. The judges have already made their decision before you even opened your mouth.

Now let me also point out that many of the contestants they show on the first couple nights of American Idol are just downright awful and you are probably wondering how they even made it through the first few rounds of auditions. Let me tell you a secret. If you are goofy or flamboyant enough to provide the viewers with a few minutes of amusement while they laugh hysterically at you, then you will make it to the next round. I find this amazingly cruel, but it’s true. If you do not want to be featured on the next “William Hung/She Bangs” commercial for the next year or so, read on to find out what NOT to do for your audition.

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Blubber Excessively

This season returns with Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Jewel who fills the fourth judges seat. These are famous folks, yes, but keep your mouth shut about it. No matter what you think and how you really feel, showering them with compliments and flattery is a bad idea. You must maintain professionalism at all times. When you walk into an audition, greet them respectfully and make it short and sweet. Show them you respect their time and that you are here to audition, not get an autograph. As the Dixie Chicks put it: “Shut Up and Sing”

Hit on Simon

Again – seems like common sense here, but it’s really tacky. Be real. If you are a woman and you do this, it makes you look like a…well, you know. And if you are a guy hitting on Simon, it may be perceived as funny, but in reality it isn’t. I have yet to see a contestant hit on Simon (or any of the judges) and make it past the first couple rounds. It’s cute at first, but then you will get cut when it becomes annoying. And it will.

Sing A Song From A Musical

If you’re genre is musical theater, you are on the wrong show. Plain and simple as it is, coming to an American Idol audition and singing “Angel of Music” from Phantom of the Opera (sorry Kel, couldn’t resist ;) ) is a horrendous idea. I don’t care how good you are, anything from musical theater is a bad song choice. As a music listener and potential consumer of your album, I do NOT want to flip on my radio to a country or a pop station and hear show tunes.

There is at least one exception to this, tho (and if you think of any more please let me know), and that is “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”. This is just an all-around classic audition song and works well because it shows off your vocal range and there is a key change that, when executed well, can make you look really good. My opinion, tho, would be to avoid this after you see Katharine McPhee do a stunning rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow during the finals of last year’s American Idol. Bottom line – no show tunes.

Don’t Ask for Professional Opinions

If you are too scared to get an honest opinion from anyone before you try out, then you have no business being a performer. I don’t care if you have been singing since you were 3 and you are in show choir or a band, get an outside opinion from a professional. Not mom and dad, not your best friend, not your boss or anyone else that actually knows you. They will lie. Sounds harsh, but it’s just human nature. If you want a true unbiased opinion as to whether you really have talent, find some music professionals in your area and get their opinions.

Sing with the Radio

As you may have noticed, no music is allowed in your audition. This means you have to sing “a cappella” In music terms this means “A cappella music is vocal music or singing without instrumental accompaniment, or a piece intended to be performed in this way. A cappella is Italian for like in the chapel (music); the term is due to the fact that Christian churches sang without instrumental accompaniment for the first several hundred years of its existence. It is often misspelled as a capella, which is derived from the Latin spelling (but in Latin capella means small goat), or even acapella.” So make sure you know how to spell it properly, too.

Most of the time you probably sing with music on. This makes you sound really good. Start practicing without the radio or the CD player for a while. If your neighbors complain or the dog suddenly wants to go outside, toss your American Idol registration papers in the trash. Many people think they can sing well because when they sing with the radio, their voice blends in with the music and the actual artist’s vocal. Remember you are auditioning as a solo act, not the 6th member of ‘N Sync.

Be Insecure

This is another area where the judge can tell if you’ve “got it” before you even open your mouth. Eye contact, posture, and polite gestures are critical to your audition survival. And for crying out loud – PLEASE SMILE! You have a very tiny window to make that first impression so you better do it right. Walk in confidently with a smile on your face, say “Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen” and introduce yourself. They don’t bite.

And when I say “introduce yourself” I don’t just mean “Hi! My name is…” Create a simple 2-3 sentence blurb about yourself that encompasses your name, where you are from and relative information about your musical career. This blurb needs to be something you memorize and practice so that it comes out of your mouth as a convincing statement without arrogance. Do not ramble. Keep it short and sweet.

Copy Someone Else

Above all else, be yourself. That is the most authentic thing you can be. We, the television viewers, can spot a fake a mile away. We know when you are trying to pull one over on us. We’re not stupid. We want to see the real you and so do Simon, Paula, Randy and Jewel.

Don’t try to copy other people. Everyone is unique. You are not going to be the next Madonna or Prince. You can only be the next fill-in-your-name-here. When you practice, sing the song the way YOU feel it. That is the only way it will sound good (thank you Leslie!). If you sing a country song, don’t fake a Southern accent. Don’t grind your voice just because Brian Johnson of AC/DC does it. When Randy Jackson talks about “putting your own spin on it,” that’s what he’s talking about – singing it the way YOU feel it. Listen to him, dawg.

Please adhere to these guidelines throughout the entire competition. Thank you for participating in American Idol this season.

Sincerely,

Gretchen

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