Before He Cheats (Lyrics)

I can’t seem to turn on the radio and NOT hear Carrie Underwood’s song “Before He Cheats” blaring through my speakers. At first, I really didn’t have an opinion on the song. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a powerful song. The emotion Carrie puts into her vocals is incredible and it was convincing enough to help earn her the title of Female Artist of the Year last month at the CMA awards in Nashville. “Before He Cheats” topped the Billboard charts last week at #1, but I really have a bone to pick with Ms. Underwood about the lyrics to this song. There’s just something not right about it.

Let’s review:

Right now he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she’s probably getting frisky…
right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t shoot whiskey…Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo…And he don’t know…
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.
Right now, she’s probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karoke..
Right now, she’s probably saying “I’m drunk”
and he’s a thinking that he’s gonna get lucky,
Right now, he’s probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo…
And he don’t know…
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.
I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats… Oh, you know it won’t be on me! Ohh… not on me…
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…
Ohh… before he cheats…
Ok, so she’s a tad bit angry. I get that.

She wants revenge. I get that.

She goes after his beloved vehicle and beats the crap out of it. I get that.

She’s trying to teach him a lesson. I get that.

But she carves her name into his leather seats? Seriously? I have a problem with that. I live by a motto that “you’re not in trouble unless you get caught” and signing your name to your handiwork is a sure-fire way to end up in the slammer.

First off, damaging the dude’s wheels is bad enough. You know the first thing that the police will ask Mr. Cheater is “do you have any known enemies?” Mr. Cheater will take one look at his smashed up ride and see HER NAME etched into his back rest. How smart is that? I mean, I’m all for being proud of your work and all, but hello? What are you thinking Ms. Underwood?

If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to make him pay for his trangressions, at least use some common sense and try NOT to get caught. What good would it do to take out all that aggression and then end up in jail for property damage? And no, I’m not condoning the violence here. If it were me, being the geek that I am, I would probably have emailed him a virus or hijacked his myspace and posted embarrasing pictures of him. Something that was vengefully sweet, but perfectly legal. Well maybe not legal, but I’d have a much lower chance of getting busted and nothing gets broken except his ego.

So what’s the lesson here? Um…uh…. don’t get caught? No, of course not. That an entirely different blog. The lesson here is use your head. Be smart. If you’re gonna do something like take a baseball bat to your boyfriend’s car, DON’T sign your name to it. Mr. Cheater may figure out that you’re the one who just hit a grand slam on him, but don’t make it so easy for the police.

And this is the part where I say “Kids, don’t try this at home. Violence is bad and you will get caught and go to jail…yada yada yada…blah blah blah.” Just use your head. And if you do decide to go for it, whether you sign your name or not, just make sure you mark some jail time on your calendar….because you can bet Mr. Cheater will be coming after you.

So Ms. Underwood, if you would be so kind as to run future recordings through me for proofreading first, I would appreciate it. I’m working on a revolution here and your little slip up has caused serious damage to my recruits. We are going to have to double up on our training exercises now to reverse the effects. Hopefully this post can set the record straight. “Don’t get caught.” Um, I mean “Be smart. Use your Head” Yeah, that’s it. Carry on.

1/27/07 Update: Just found the video on YouTube.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbvZlfTulYc]