I’m coming out of the closet

I have a really juicy confession.

If you are a regular here, you may have noticed I’ve not posted a whole lot of anything here lately other than a couple of new designs.  It wasn’t intentional, I just had nothing to say.  I don’t subscribe to the blogging theory of posting on a schedule.  I don’t blog just because it”s the hip thing to do,  I write because I have something I want to say.

So I’ve been quiet for a while.

And now I have something to say.

A big something.

Bear with me while I set this up.  I promise it will be worth the read…

And really, I could care less if you read this post.  I think it’s more of me talking to myself, but I’m offering you a glimpse into my head right now.  Please don’t abuse the privilege.  ;)

The last few weeks have been insanely busy for me on multiple levels.  My kids are in different sports, I’ve taken on twice the client load I normally carry, the demand for Girls Can’t WHAT? designs has significantly increased and my band is on the verge of releasing our debut album.  Sounds good, right?

Here’s the kicker.  For the last 3 years I’ve had some random, but seemingly related health issues.  I won’t bore you with the details, but essentially it boils down to a food intolerance.  At least that’s the current theory.  The exact food/substance is still a mystery so my life over the last several months is a blur of different diets, food trials and allergy testing to nail down the source of my ailments.

So top off my already jam packed schedule with changes to my eating habits, meal plans, shopping locations and places I can safely eat out mixed in with about a jillion doctor appointments per week and then you start to see why I feel a little crunched for time.  But that’s not my problem.  I can deal with the time shortage.  I’m well-versed in that area of organization.

So here’s the deal…

You know how they say a watched pot never boils? Well I’ve been feeling like that tiny little bubble on the bottom of the pot. The heat is slowly rising and the pressure is building, but I just sit there.  I can’t move to the surface and start boiling because I’m being watched.  No – not in a paranoid sense of “being watched” but like everyone is just watching to see when I’m going to burst onto the scene and bubble over.

So back track to my food issues for a second.  The one thing I would really like to know right at this moment is what food(s) I should be avoiding.  Everything is a crapshoot and I feel like I’m constantly playing guessing games with every meal.  Allergy and blood tests reveal absolutely nothing (or at least inconclusive results) and I’m left with a few “suspect” foods.  The only way to truly find out what I can and cannot tolerate is to do strict food elimination diets.  Sounds simple enough, right?

It is simple, but yet I fail every time.  And you know why I suck at it?  It’s not that I don’t have the patience and discipline to make the meal plans and stick with them.  It’s that I’m afraid of finding out the real culprit.  I’m afraid that once I do find out what I’m allergic to, I’ll have to give up my favorite foods forever.  And life without Oreos or pizza sounds miserable!

So every time I start a new meal plan, I start looking for ways to cheat.  Not a binge session at Dairy Queen or hitting the buffet line and saying to heck with it.  It’s small things.  Little sabotages along the way that totally skew my data so I can never really nail down the offending foods. Cheating allows me to falsely reassure myself that eating my favorite treat is not really a problem.

So what IS my confession here?  What’s the REAL problem?

I have a fear of success.  Yup, that’s it.

F-E-A-R  O-F  S-U-C-C-E-S-S

There.  I said it.  I confessed it.  I spelled it out.  That’s the first step, right?  So now I can accept my food intolerance and move on, right?

Not so fast.

This post isn’t about food allergies.

Fear of success in one area will likely carry over into others.  So let’s dig deeper…

If I could do one thing and one thing only for the rest of my life (besides eat, sleep and have a life), it would be continuing on with Girls Can’t WHAT? as my main activity. Five years ago this month, I would never have dreamed that this site would have evolved into community and business that it has.  It is already successful then, right?

Yes and no.  While it is successful in that it is gaining popularity and has thousands of fans and customers around the world, it does not generate enough to be my full time income.  Hence my day job as a web developer.

Income is not my measure for success, but let’s be honest.  We don’t do anything in life unless it brings us some sort of reward.  My work is very rewarding.  I thrive on the feedback from customers and the wonderful comments people leave for me on the site.  But I am also motivated to eat and buy toilet paper, so I need the financial rewards to be there, too.

So what’s the problem?

It’s fear of success.  I already know what it takes to get to that level.  I’ve been there before in other pursuits. I’ve written about it all over this site and I know exactly what I have to do to get to that point.  It’s all right in front of me for the taking.  So seriously…what’s going on here?

Change.

Just like I will have to change my entire way of eating in order to be healthy and less fatigued all the time, I am going to have to make a lot of changes in the way I run my business.  Some of the changes aren’t very palatable.  Most of them are dreadfully tedious and time-consuming.  That means I spend less time doing what I love (drawing) in order to lay the groundwork for future success.  Once the framework is in place, not only will the financial rewards follow, but they will allow me to change my current schedule into a much more manageable pace where drawing and writing can be my top priorities.

So wait – let me get this straight – you’re afraid to make more money?  That’s nuts.

Well yes, but I can explain.  The more a business grows, the more responsibility it brings.  What I fear is that it will grow so big that I lose out on the every day communication with my customers.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to keep up with the design requests (that’s already become an issue!) or that I’ll spend my days negotiating wholesale contracts instead of drawing.  I want to be the artist that’s also the CEO, but mostly just the artist.  I want to keep it simple, dang it.  But I need toilet paper.  See my conundrum here?

It’s about the money, isn’t it?

Actually, no.  Well, yes.  Here’s the thing… I have a particular income amount in mind.  It’s enough to live comfortably and have a few luxuries.  I am very non-materialistic for the most part, but I have a few toys.  ;) So I need a little bit of cash to feed myself and help with family expenses, but I also want my business to grow so that I can send the excess profits to women who really need it.  I want to fund more entrepreneurs through KIVA and donate to womens groups around the world.  For the most part, I want to give money away to help others.  That’s a good thing, right? But then my “fear-of-success” side worries about what people with think of me making that kind of cash and then I start wondering who likes me for the real me versus who likes me for how much money I have in the bank.  And then there are taxes.  Ick.

It’s always something.  Fear is the true four-letter “F” word.

So that’s my confession.

I’m sitting on a gold mine here but I’m afraid to let people see me dig.

So what am I going to do about it?

Well this is a start.  Writing about it to clear my head is always a good move.  For me anyway.  So I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I think I’m gonna change a few things around here.

For starters, I’m going to buckle down and do the hard work.  Essentially this means churning out a lot more products and setting up new styles of gear.  Not difficult, but intensely time consuming.  Has to be done or there will be no results.  I need those results.

This blog… I still plan to write.  But I’m thinking about ditching all of the news repeats you’ve probably already heard.  Let’s face it…by the time I get around to posting the “news” it’s stale.  I might tweet it or something but taking the time to rehash it on here is doing neither of us any good.  I’d like to leave the blog open for my ramblings (like his one) and for announcing new designs.

And here’s what I really want…

I want to take my blog to a new level.  I want to make it into a learning tool for every one.  Starting with this post.  I want it to be more transparent.  Rather than me regurgitating all the “wisdom” I get from my eclectic reading habits, how about I open up my journey to success to you through this blog.  I don’t want to be the Lone Ranger here, I need some Tontos who are willing to hit the trail with me, share experiences and trade secrets along the way.

You don’t have to saddle up just yet.  And no, I’m not trying to “build a tribe” or set you up to sell you an e-book or anything.  I’m just looking for some conversation, ideas, feedback and oooh – the killer – criticism. Yes – I’m handing you an opportunity to tell me how to run things.  Make suggestions, tell me my artwork sucks.  Whatever.  Let me have it.

If I’m going to get past my stupid little fears, I’ll have to take the good with the bad.

So, now that I’m out of the closet, where do I begin..