You are NOT stupid!

Have you ever uttered the words “I’m stupid?” Or replied to an email and typed “I’m such an idiot”? Or how about those T-shirts with the arrow that say “I’m with stupid.” I can’t stand those. If you have one, burn it immediately! What is the point of such a phrase? It serves only to degrade the person to whom it is directed.

I never really cared about little phrases like this until my kids started to use them. Now suddenly it’s like someone has smacked me upside the head every time I hear the word “stupid” come out of their mouths. I think it would be easier to deal with if they were actually spewing profanity, but they are using words that they hear everyday. Here is an example of “every day” infiltration of the word “stupid” at my house…

My daughter Katelynn, being a first born child, can be a little bossy. Ok – on her own turf she can be a real tyrant. She had a friend visiting this week and while they were playing nearby I listened in on their conversation. They were playing with Barbie dolls and Kate, in her usual supervisory voice, ordered her friend and her little sister to move the “Mary-Kate” and “Madison” dolls over to the hospital area of the playroom. Katelynn likes to create scenarios for the dolls and then tell everyone else how to play them out. She will probably grow up to be a Director someday.

As usual, someone didn’t perform exactly in the way Kate had explained to them and she got a little frustrated. Kate picked up the doll and explained again “No, no – do it like THIS. She has to go HERE because that’s how it goes, ok?” Now Kate has very precise places for her dolls and she expects everyone to know these “rules” that she has laid down, even if she hasn’t explained them to you in advance. You should just know. Her friend was doing her best to play along but it was obvious that she didn’t know all the ins and outs of playtime with Katelynn. It wasn’t her fault – just how kids play sometimes – but she suddenly started to become very unsure of herself and what she was doing while Katelynn continued to make multiple adjustments to the Barbie drama she had organized.

Fortunately, Kate’s friend is very good natured and didn’t argue with the constant interruptions and corrections. But rather than say anything, tho, she began to retreat and eventually stammered out the words “Oh, ok…I guess I’m stupid.” I am used to listening to Katelynn direct her dramas and have heard reactions from her friends ranging from
complete complacency to all out quitting and stomping out of the room, but “I guess I’m stupid?” That got my attention!

At that point I got up and walked around the corner. Trying not to make it too obvious that I was listening (which was impossible) I said “You are not stupid. Please don’t say that. You are a very smart girl. You just didn’t understand what Kate was trying to do. It’s ok to not understand something, but please don’t say you are stupid. You aren’t.” I also turned to Katelynn and explained to her that she needs to let her friend offer ideas and to do things the way her friends want to sometimes. I looked back over to her friend who was now staring a hole into my floor and I felt like I was in one of those awkward moments where you wonder, as a parent, if you really should have butted in…and then it was like a light bulb went off. She looked up at me with a big smile and said “ok, I won’t say that anymore”. I hope she remembers that.

Even though we have made great strides in women’s rights and promoting all-things female, I still wonder why we struggle so much with self-esteem. One reason I am sure of is that we often pick up what the experts call “self-talk” from others around us. Most of the time we pick up these cute little phrases unconsciously and we don’t even realize we are saying them. You’ve probably said them, or even typed them in an email or on a forum. They look innocent…things like “I’m such an idiot”, “Stupid me”, or put your hand on your forehead in the shape of an ‘L’ for Loser. I know I have.

I ask you…when you are saying or writing those things…do you really mean that? Do you really believe that you are stupid or a loser? Probably not. I know I am guilty of saying things like that from time to time. I have worked hard to change the way I think and talk to be a more positive person, but words and actions like that can still creep in. Realizing that what we say can get passed on to the next generation is scary. I do not want my girls to grow up uttering statements like “I’m stupid”. I’m afraid that they will say it too much and start to believe it! It’s funny that I don’t notice it as much when I say it but when I hear it from the kids it stops me in my tracks.

I am even working on correcting my daughters’ habits of calling things “stupid” when they get frustrated. One of my daughters said just yesterday “I don’t like that game. It’s stupid.” The outburst sent her sister flying out of the room in tears. I called her over to my desk and told her it’s ok to not like something but calling it stupid is not a very productive thing to say. I made her repeat after me “That’s not my favorite game right now. Can we play something else?” And then she had to go apologize and repeat that those two sentences to her sister. It worked and they ended up playing something else entirely.

It is perfectly acceptable to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and move on. Everyone screws up. It happens. That’s life. But a mistake – no matter how big – does NOT define your entire life. Some mistakes can AFFECT your life, but they do not DEFINE it.

So listen up, girls! It’s ok to smack your head and say “Doh” when you mess up. It’s ok to say “silly me” sometimes or even “duh” when you make a mistake. Or you can always use my personal favorite “What was I thinking?” that goes along with a hand gesture I haven’t yet figured out how to describe in a blog. Find a phrase that describes a short-lived state of mind like “I’m a little off today” or “I plead temporary insanity”. “I’m stupid” describes a permanent characteristic whereas “temporary insanity” is something you will recover from.

Find your own silly saying to use when you get frustrated or make a mistake (and we all make them), but NEVER EVER say anything remotely close to “I’m stupid” or “I’m dumb” or any other description that says you are anything less than spectacular! Don’t define yourself negatively. And if you hear someone else say “I’m stupid”, do them a favor and remind them that they are not a stupid person. It really does wonders to have another person tell you how smart you are as an individual. You may be momentarily out of whack on occasion, but stupid? No. You are NOT stupid!